Men who are abandoned by their fathers, it is commonly believed, have trouble learning to be effective adults. My years on a criminal court bench taught me the truth of it, that lots of my customers lacked a male role model of the most intimate kind.

Yes, there are a whole set of anti-social behaviors in boys that are commonly associated with no father or father figure being in the picture.

Still, there’s another kind of personality that develops from the same experience. It’s one that, yes, is still covering up wounds, but in a more pro-social way.

Having never had a hero in the intimate sense, we seek to be one. We would never walk away from our own children like our fathers walked away from us. We may not have learned how to parent, but we have a clue how not to parent, so our mistakes are hands-on mistakes rather than mailed in mistakes.

Since dad never stroked our young developing egos, we want to be heroes. We seek love and admiration in our actions and that seeking often leads to public service. Yes, we intend to serve the public but, by doing so, we serve our own needs as well.

Can a man deserted by his father become both a good father and a competent citizen? I think so. I think that drive to be the hero who was never there for you can work out really well.