Tiffany Midge: Some alternatives for 'Pocahottie' this Halloween

Have you been thinking about dressing up as Pocahontas, your favorite Disney princess, but feel like it wouldn’t be socially acceptable? Boy howdy, do I feel you, that’s rough. You could wear a sexy Sacajawea costume and go as a racist like your RA so cleverly suggested, but what does she know anyway? She’s majoring in Social Justice Studies. Is there even a department for that? People probably wouldn’t get it, anyway. Subtlety is a lost art and post-modern doesn’t translate well when you’re holding an ace in an epic round of pass the doody. Hey, if you ask me, people are way too sensitive. I mean just because you love putting on a feather headdress made in China and war whooping and shouting “make it rain, make it rain!” at Octoberfest—or whatever music festivals you attend with Horseyface, the cousin your mom makes you do stuff with because your aunt paid for that Alaskan cruise—doesn’t make you racist. There’s cultural insensitivity, and then there’s being racist. There’s a big difference, am I right? Don’t be too butt-hurt about that faux buckskin loincloth collecting dust in the back of your closet. And I know you were stoked about wearing that Disney tattooed skin suit and flouncing around at the gravel pit kegger like James Gumb to Goodbye Horses.

But hear me out. I have some creative solutions. There’s a bunch of politically-correct alternatives to choose from, I mean, you don’t want to be labeled supremo douchebag of the year, right? Political correctness blows, I know, right? Yep, I saw that Bill Maher segment too. Bear with me okay? I have some creative solutions. Here’s just a few, totally random suggestions. No presh.