John Christian Hopkins. Photo from Blue Hand Books
Well, I finally got to see that famous Kardashian crack that everyone’s been talking about. No, I don’t mean Kim’s magazine cover, I meant Khloe’s KKK joke. There was a photo of the Kardashian sisters – Kourtney, Khloe and Kim – and a comment about the only K-K-K to let black men in. It was somewhat of a lame joke, the kind that elicits a groan instead of a guffaw. Oh, but did the internet explode with people crying racism. And that irks me. Some people claim racism way too often, while others don’t see it at all. It seems to me that this country needs one go-to person to rule on whether something is or isn’t racist. That is why I am urging President Obama to appoint me the nation’s first Racism Czar. If people aren’t sure if something is racist or not, they can bring it to me for an official ruling. I will base every decision on what was said or done, the context, the intended audience and the size of the bribe the winning side pays me. Mr. President – I don’t know if they have computers in Kenya – but, if you can read this, I will give you some free racism rulings so you can attest for yourself how sorely a Racism Czar is needed. Taylor Swift v. Kanye West: At a music awards show, Mr. West, hereinafter referred to as “The Jackass,” burst on stage and grabbed the microphone away from Ms. Swift, hereinafter referred to as “When I Break up With You, I’m Totally Writing a Song About It,” and went on some diatribe about Beyonce. There were some who thought it was racist because The Jackass happened to be an aggressive black man, while When I Break up With You, I’m Totally Writing a Song About It is apparently a demure, defenseless white woman. What do you think, racist or not? Ha, trick question. It doesn’t matter what you think, because I’m the Racism Czar! There is no racism here, folks. This is simply a case of an arrogant jerk earning his name as Mr. Jackass. The People v. Brad Paisley: During a music awards show – really? How many music awards shows are there? – country singer Brad Paisley, hereinafter referred to as “Accidental Racist,” made a quip that played off the name of a new TV series called “Black-ish.” He noted that the audience for the country music show was white-ish. Again, people were quick with the tar and feathers. I heard the joke and I laughed. The best jokes are based on truth. Country music is predominantly white; when Charley Pride first broke in his photo wasn’t put on his records because it was feared country music fans wouldn’t buy it. The jibe by Accidental Rasist is great because it is not making fun of black people, but rather pricking the lily white bubble that surrounds Nashville. Lest we forget, Accidental Racist and rapper L. L. Cool J even made a song together addressing racism. He is one of the few voices in country music to speak up about the obvious divide. And he didn’t have to be. As L.L. Cool J said, don’t get bitter, get better. Daniele Watts v. The Truth: “DJango: Unchained” actress Daniele Watts, hereinafter referred to as “That Liar,” was all over the place crying racism when she was arrested in Los Angeles. She claimed police arrested her because she is black and was kissing her white boyfriend in public. However, video footage and eyewitness accounts paint a different picture, one of two people engaging in public sex acts. When people like That Liar get caught doing something wrong, and then try to blame it on racism, they smear the names and legacies of the many good people who have actually been victimized by racist practices. I have no tolerance for people like That Liar. Now, about those bribes, I mentioned earlier. It’s not because I’m greedy, I just want enough to buy Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s Niggerhead Ranch. I plan to rename it “Stupid Jackass” to honor Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington Red … uh, football team. John Christian Hopkins is a member of the Narragansett Tribe of Rhode Island. H may be reached at johnchristianhopkins@gmail.com
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