John Christian Hopkins: Surviving a year that wasn't to be

Well, 2013 started off on a sour note right from the beginning, or do I mean ending? You see I was counting on the world coming to an end, as predicted by Quextifizzle Fo’schizzel, my Mayan Psychic advisor.

So you can see why I hadn’t bothered to think of New Year’s resolutions for 2013. When New Year’s Eve came at the end of 2012 and me with nothing resolved for the coming year, I got desperate.

Not trusting the lyin’ Mayan, I decided to hold a séance and seek advice from The Other Side. My plan was to place wagers on longshots and cash in by betting against the odds. The Spirit of the Past was Babe Ruth. “So, 2013, eh?” The Babe said. “Put your money on the pubs.” Babe’s mouth was stuffed with hot dogs so instead of pubs, I thought he said Cubs. Oh, well.

The Spirit of the Present was Dennis Rodman. “The Obamacare roll-out will go smoothly. As my good friend Kim Jong Un said ‘if you like your dictator, you can keep your dictator’!”

Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson was the Spirit of the Future. “Not a single homo here. I told them queers to go to hell!”

“This is hell,” Mussolini said. “But the trains run on time.”