"It has recently been reported that the Lower Brule Sioux tribe of South Dakota has purchased the Wall Street investment firm Westrock Group. This marks the first instance of a Native American organization diversifying out of the gambling, jewelry and blanket markets.

Tribal spokesperson Oscar Get Many Ponies Leibowicz justified the $700 million purchase by stating that the tribe is fighting a 40% unemployment rate, decreased demand for Sioux blankets and jewelry, and lower profits from their Golden Buffalo Casino.

“Our cousins in Connecticut, Michigan and Nevada do pretty well with the gambling, but we are out here in the middle of nowhere and who wants to come here to spend any wampum.” Leibowicz is quoted as saying. Jessica Have Pig Sweat Moody questions where the funds came from to purchase the firm, noting that the tribe is essentially bankrupt; “We know that this firm brought in over $22 million last year, but how long will it take before we can divvy up the profits with such a large loan outstanding?” She said.

Tribal elder Buffalo Hair Smith noted the historical significance of the purchase. “Over three hundred years ago our stupid cousins, the Delaware, sold off the whole of Manhattan Island for a measly twenty five dollars worth of beads from that Dutch guy Pieter Minuit, those guys had it stolen from them by the Brits."

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Get the Story:
Sioux Tribe to Attack Wall Street from Within (Glossy News 11/25)

Related Stories:
NPR: Lower Brule Sioux Tribe a Wall Street player (11/17)
Lower Brule Sioux Tribe acquires financial firm (9/9)