"Dear Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now,

My husband and I take lots of vacations together. It keeps our marriage lively and helps expand our horizons, as a couple. This year, unfortunately, money is extremely tight and we just can't justify an extravagant trip. Any tips for making the most out of a close-to-home adventure?

—Landlocked in Lubbock

Dear Landlocked,

In darkness under the world First Man was made, and First Man was cold and lonely. First Man, who was wise and powerful, took up his treasure of White Shell, and he placed it in the East and breathed upon it, and up came a cloud of white smoke; and to the West he set Abalone, and breathed on it, and from it rose a cloud as black as nightfall. The colors of these rose up and became the Sky, and circled one another, and became the Night and the Day, and First Man rested in the Sky, and had a hambur—and slept.

Dear Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now,

It's a tale as old as time: My neighbor built his fence on my property. I go away one weekend, come back, and I've lost 6 good inches of my backyard! What authorities can I turn to when my beautiful azaleas pop up on his side of the fence this spring?

—Gypped in Glen Rock

Dear Gypped,

Then First Man took his last treasure, the Red-Yellow Stone, and placed it in the middle, and breathed upon it; and from it came a pillar that contained in itself all things, like those really good hamburgers you get at In-N-Out or Five Guys. And this was the Pillar of the World, and up the Pillar did First Man lead the People, drawn by a hunger, a deep, growling hunger for something juicy and delicious…or possibly for what they knew not. In every step did the People gain a little, for being newly made, all was new to them, and gathering knowledge, and feeling, and French fries, and a soda, and, ooh, maybe some onion rings for the ride back to the reserv—I mean, the Coyote followed them. Or have I not gotten to that yet?"

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Joseph Seven Eagle: Ask A Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now (The Onion 2/5)