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Interior Press Secretary To Join U.S.O. Tour
Newton: Pfeifle Just Wants 'To See The World' 
Secretary of Interior Gale Norton's press secretary Mark Pfeifle, shown in this undated file photo in his Washington, D.C., office. (NSM)
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By David Smelmer
Tomorrow Staff Writer
Monday, November 12, 2001 Leaving his boss Secretary of Interior Gale Norton even more dejected and depressed, press secretary Mark Pfeifle has decided to join Vegas crooner and alleged Indian Wayne Newton on the U.S.O. Tour and cavort with seamen, airmen and other military personnel in the Middle East and exotic locales throughout the world, Indian Country Tomorrow has learned. Pfeifle has "packed his Louis Vuitton luggage" and is already on his way to the Indian Ocean, said Norton in a phone interview from her Fairfax, Virginia, home early this morning. Norton, who has had trouble sleeping ever since her husband was served court papers over her handling of the trust fund debacle, said she stayed up all night trying to convince her beloved spokesperson not to go, but gave up around 3 a.m., instead finding solace in Sean Hannity's balanced reporting on Arctic drilling on FOX News. "Mark is an outstanding public administration professional," Norton proclaimed while sipping on what she said was a tall double-expresso but what neighborhood sources claimed was a more spirited solution. "Along with entertainers like teen pop starlet Jessica Simpson, country singer Neal McCoy and comedian Rob Schneider, he will bring joy to our boys in this time of national unity," said Norton. Contacted on his cell phone, Pfeifle was vague about his plans. "Hello? What? Hello? What do you want?" he said in shortened breaths, obviously already diverted by his new mission. 
Comedian Rob Schneider (l) and Chairman of the U.S.O. Celebrity Circle Wayne Newton (r) perform at the White House. (Reuters)
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What Pfeifle lacked in coherence, the new Chairman of the U.S.O. Celebrity Circle made up in candor. Wayne Newton beamed about the latest addition to the tour. "I welcome Mark's participation in the U.S.O. Tour and he will serve as my right hand when my right hand is too tired, or for whatever reason," Newton said onboard the U.S.S. Enterprise. "Mark has been a talented mouth piece for the Bush administration, as evidenced by his numerous quotes to the press about Arctic drilling." "But it doesn't end there. Mark will provide tremendous service to our military in other ways," said Newton. "He's not afraid to get deep into the foxholes, trenches and caves with our troops. So really, America should be saying 'danke shein' for his tireless dedication." While many of his colleagues expressed surprise about the Newton-Pfeifle partnership, readers of ICT will remember the two have worked together for quite some time. The power pair has been trying to retrieve the remains of Pocahontas from the British government in exchange for the bones of Kennewick Man (See "Judge Orders Kennewick Man Repatriated," Indian Country Tomorrow, July 4, 2001). But Newton pointed out their friendship extends "much further back" to then-Presidential candidate George W. Bush's campaign last fall. Newton eagerly lent his silky throat to the successful push for Bush, and was joined by Pfeifle on several occasions. "There's this great story about us and a hotel in Gallup, New Mexico, that I ought to write down sometime," said Newton. Before that happens, though, Newton and Pfeifle are in for a grueling week-long tour for U.S. troops. In just seven days starting today, they will perform 14 shows in Bosnia-Herzegovina, Kosovo, Korea and Bahrain in the Middle East, among other places. And in a nod to Arctic drilling, the U.S.O. Tour will made unexpected and unprecedented stops in Alaska, said Newton. Shows are scheduled for the Inupiat village of Kaktovik and Arctic Village, home to the Gwich'in. "It's going to really kick butt," said Newton. "This is the most work I've had since National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation and I'm psyched." Norton has not said whom she will choose to replace Pfeifle for the next week or so. Senior officials say she may let it go vacant, since no one at the Interior has been talking to the press lately anyway. |
© 2001-2002 Indian Country Tomorrow
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